I’ve been particularly inspired by life and by some wonderful people recently. There is so much going on with us!!!! For starters, this summer in Colorado has been one of the most beautiful and special ones I can remember. Gary is successfully settled into his fabulous new job and is working from home. We are loving our new lock-and-leave lifestyle at Tresana. Parker is maturing into an incredible young man of intellect, kindness and character. We have enjoyed watching Jordan develop her professional identity and chart new and positive personal directions in several important areas. We have an incredibly deep love for both of our children and for one another as a couple. We have gotten together a lot with dynamic, gracious and fun people we are blessed to count among our friends. And, we are entering an exciting phase in a business we have been slowly building for years.
As many of you know, I am getting ready to launch some projects that have been a long time in development. It’s still mind-boggling for me to contemplate that I have been stubbornly trying to pursue a particular business model for so long, when the obvious answer was to adapt our project to an online environment. Jordan is now helping to take our 15-year project to a new, more technical, dimension.
There are many personal and professional thoughts I’d like to share along this journey of life. As I began to set up the scaffolding for this personal website, my imagination took me to many things I want to write about here. Stacks of poems, collected over the years, fond mementos I want to share, photographs from generations past and present, articles, opinions and more, were the obvious things that came to mind. I have diary entries that I hope to open up for discussion – at the risk of bearing some pretty intimate feelings. My list includes all kinds of things that are near and dear to my heart and scenarios to which other moms may relate.
After a few days of contemplating what to write about first, I unwittingly found my starting block on the Facebook page of a friend-from-long-ago, in the form of a scripture verse that met me right where I was. It was this:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
It spoke to the place of disappointment and doubt I had foolishly been for a couple of years and also to the wonderful place where I am now – all in one breath. The admonishment from Isaiah is a reassuring reminder that, even in our times of anxiety, confusion, fear and disillusionment, God is actually trying to strengthen and uphold us. He is trying to take us to higher places, with better people, for more glorious rewards. We are being encouraged to be our faithful and positive selves, even if or when we find it hard to find our personal bests. It is a reminder that our fears take us nowhere. It is an assurance to us when our dismay with circumstances engulfs our minds with negative thoughts or cripples our hearts and souls. It is not unlike the words of a sermon from my twenty-year-old archives which likened our worry to “the interest on a debt we never owed.” In this passage above, we become reminded not to fear or to worry or to be dismayed. It is explicit; God strengthens and upholds and helps in the midst of it all.
As I look back, I have known this to be true, from experience. In the darkest moments of my life – the meningioma diagnosis and rather sudden death of my beloved mother (almost 30 years ago), the passing soon thereafter of my father, the downward spiraling of Parker’s health as a young child or, more recently, the period last year when we thought that Gary might not make it through the night from his mysterious medical crisis, it was not fear that carried the day. Rather, it was faith that led to restoration and faith that led to understanding – every single time. Let’s face it, though. Even the most faithful fall into periods of doubt, weakness and skepticism. Certainly, for me, these past couple of years have been ones of trying to sort out what I have always wanted to believe about people (and about life), from what I was actually experiencing and seeing, first-hand.
So, as I stared at that powerful snippet from Isaiah, I thought about what those people and experiences had been. Why should I have allowed my high expectations of others or their own menacing behaviors to bring me to a negative place of disgust, instead of to a posture of faith? In the words of Ayn Rand, “the evil of the world is made possible by nothing but the sanction you give it.”
Clearly, it is often through difficult moments and our disappointments with others, that we come face-to-face with the humanity of our own judgment versus the divinity of God’s. We become reminded that some things are beyond our own understanding and that reasonable answers are elusive. I really should have learned a more profound, over-arching lesson, by now, at 52: neither men, meningiomas, or menacing behaviors should consume our faith, should compromise our standards or should claim our positivity. Lesser people – especially those with lesser principles and lesser standards – should never make us less, too. Sometimes, it’s appropriate to simply leave the lesser people to the company of their equals. Personally, I find a quiet strength and peace in that kind of justice. (Isaiah probably knew a thing or two about karma – perhaps, especially righteous karma, if there is such a thing….)
Now, I find myself in the heart of winter’s spring. I have shaken off the snow, shoveled away the slush and found the tulips that have been patiently waiting there for me to put my fear and dismay aside. I have shifted my energies to the things I was meant to complete, the visions that have been waiting to become realities, and to the ways in which I was destined to live. The most glorious part of all is that I am enjoying this renewed season with a grateful heart in the company of so many people of integrity I wholeheartedly love, admire and respect.
Therefore, I begin this adventure in blogging from a pretty awesome place. It was definitely a challenging ride for a while, but insight, clarity of understanding, time and love have bolstered my faith in other people, in other parents, in decent and honest business people and in humanity. Every day I revel in the miracle we call Parker, who is literally the embodiment of hope and healing. He is wise beyond his years but still innocent despite his years. Every day he is the reminder of bridging the gap between the things we think we cannot do, and the ways in which we must find answers to those things we don’t fully understand. And, as Gary moves onward with his new company, I am awed by him (as always), and reminded of the greatness and sanctuary in our marriage. What a rare (and authentic) class-act I married.
Sometimes, as it is said, you need to climb the mountain… so that you can clearly see the view. I believe something a little different. I think that there is a view not to be missed all along the journey. And, while forgiveness has its place, there is merit in not forgetting. There is merit in discernment regarding people or situations that have wronged you or hurt you. There is even a sense of personal victory when the things that were hazards on the trek up can become the ladders, the bridges and the stepping-stones to the next, even higher zenith. For me, this blog page is one expression of that zenith. I would like it to represent things that are integral to the idea of acting on principle, central to being a wife and a mom, and that validate who we are and what we feel. I’d like to talk about our different perspectives on raising families, dating relationships (for those of us with older kids), and what it actually means to be decent and good human beings to one another. I’d like to explore what drives us each toward great destinies and full lives and, more simply, the little things that make us tick and bring us joy.
I’ll be sharing lots of thoughts with you in the weeks and months to come. “not JUST a wife and mom.com” will be a place for me to share my passions, passionately, with you. It will be a place to talk about the blessings and events within and beyond marriage and motherhood. It will be a place to honor the friends and people in my life I hold most dear. It will occasionally be a place to look critically at behaviors, people and issues of the day. Most of all, it will be a place to talk about all things (and people!) that are truly good, purposeful and fun. Welcome!!!!